Friday, October 2, 2009

Proverbs - Chapter 2

As with chapter 1, Chapter 2 continues to teach us about the importance of gaining wisdom. It teaches us that wisdom draws us closer to God and keeps us separate from "wicked men."

Proverbs 2:1-2 My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom....

Wisdom will continue to draw us closer to God and keep us on the correct path. It will protect us from the wrong path. Wisdom is the knowledge of knowing God's way and understanding his path for us. It is taking that knowledge and accepting it as a great gift from God. Proverbs 2 requests that you "call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding" (2:3) To me this is a direct request that we turn it to God in prayer.

I know that for many of us it can be quite difficult to let go of the "control" and give it to God in prayer. I can tell you from personal experience that until you do give up the control you are setting yourself up for failure.

Since becoming a single parent at the age of 18 I had pretty much mastered the art of control. I bossed my kids, I kept the house running, I went to college, I worked, heck I was queen of my domain. Unfortunately, I was so busy maintaining my crown that I forgot about God and faith altogether. Sure, I have had many setbacks along the way, but it has always been with great Pride that I could tell people that ALL BY MYSELF I did it. I made it through. I succeeded. Really?? Well, a couple of years ago I got put in my place.

It was St. Patty's day and my toddler son was ill. Nothing major just a fever and tummy ache. I gave him Tylenol and he threw it up. He was lying on the couch talking to me about Blues Clues when he went into a seizure. Never, never in my life had I seen anything like this. But it got worse. As I began screaming call 911 to Mark I took my son into my arms. And this is the moment I will never forget. He stopped convulsing, he went rigid, his eyes were open and staring, there was no breathing. I laid him on the floor and began CPR. His breath started back quickly, but he was not responsive. He was mewing like a kitten and vomiting yellow bile. At this point the ambulance crew arrived and began their work. We were rushed by ambulance to the hospital. It turned out to be a febrile seizure. Nothing really life threatening. According to the doctor my CPR wasn't even needed, because he would have begun breathing again on his own.

Let's jump forward a year and a half. It is 2 a.m. and I am still awake. It is dark in the house, but just like every other night I am layng in bed conjuring up every horrible thing that could go wrong. See, since my son's illness I have basically stopped sleeping. I am afraid to check on him while he is sleeping. I wait every day afraid he will die or that maybe my daughter will. When they don't I think maybe I will or even worse maybe I will go crazy like those mothers you see on TV and hurt them myself. I am overwhelmed with my fear, but no one knows. I haven't told a soul. I don't like to be left alone with the kids just in case I could be crazy. You get where I am going. I was out of control. Well, that night as I lay in bed I never actually fell asleep. It suddenly hit me that I was in a BAD BAD way. I needed help. I was shaking and afraid. I am pretty sure that is what would have been called a nervous breakdown several years ago. I missed over a week of work. I couldn't eat, I couldn't go in public, I couldn't handle too much noise. My friends helped, my mom visited, my man did the best he could. I sought help during this time as well. Diagnosis - Post traumatic stress disorder from the experience with my son. I went on anxiety medication and went to a lot of counseling. However, you want to know the exact moment I felt it lift and felt my life come back? God - I talked to God. I cried out to be honest. I said I couldn't hold on to it anymore, the control I had loved so much. I said HELP ME GOD. I started going to church and reading the word. I joined my first Bible study. Wanna know the scripture the leader picked to focus on for the entire study?
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ."

Be anxious about nothing and pray about everything. That moment - that wisdom - it changed my life. The wisdom of God, the letting go of control. Fear was my wicked friend. Wisdom was my strength. God was my savior. Had I not learned His word or turned to him searching for the treasures who knows where I would be today.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not implying that God made my child ill to teach me a lesson. I am saying that He used my child's illness to teach me one, to turn me to Him, to show me His Unfailing Love.


  1. A-

    I'm sure you know of the many trying times that I've had in my life with my health. I see things very different now. I could have passed 14 years ago, but I am still here. Your post moved me to tears and I could feel your pain. Beautifully written. God Bless you and your children and I'll keep you all in my prayers.

    I applaud you for getting the help you so desperately needed. You're an inspiration.

    x0xx Amy (Park-Avenue Princess)

    PS I had my son at the very same IS tough. Lot of love to you!

  2. Thanks Amy

    I have never felt as vulnerable as I do at this moment. This was my first time to write this on paper to share with others. The need to share it has been in my heart for sometime though.

    I do know about some of what you had been dealing with and you remain in my prayers. I'm always here if you need a friend. Thanks for being mine just now when I needed it.

  3. Ok Alison.... now I am crying. What a moment you have just shared and I can feel how scary that had to be for you. I imagine I would have reacted the same and lived with that same fear.

    My story is really long and someday maybe we can shat about it. I will just briefly say that I have had a lot of loss in my family. By the age of 29 I have lost my entire immediate family (mom, dad and sister) all to tragedy - two separate incidents).

    I did live in that same fear you described.... I was scared whenever my husband took the boys somewhere - would they come back? Why was I saved and they were not? My mom lost dad and Tara (my sister) when she was 32. The year I was 32 I was so afraid my family would be taken away.

    My mom was the last one I lost and she was 48. My doctor refers to me as the one who doesnt know what happens when I get older - since none of my family lived that long, I do not know if we have cancer, diabetes,...

    I will not be 48 for a long time but I already know that the year that will mark me as the one who lives the longest out of my family will not be scary one. I have a strong faith in God and all He has brought me too as well as through.

    Thank you for sharing your heart today. I am glad you shared this. I have done some sharing on my original blog Straight On Through.

    Email me anytime. :)

  4. Ali,
    Your story has really touched my heart. I can feel your fear. I worked as a pediatric cardiac nurse for 6 years. During my first pregnancy, I was terrified that my child would be born with a heart defect. I enjoyed being pregnant with him but the worries were there. I didn't worry with my daughter and found out several hours after her arrival in the world that she had a heart condition (thankfully minor). My last pregnancy ended at 12 weeks and I can't help but wonder if that baby had something horribly wrong.
    The Lord has a way of working in lives. Like you said, it's not that He made your son sick so you would learn a lesson but He gives us situations to learn from.
    Thank you for your openness. Please know that I'm here to listen anytime you need a friend. It takes a lot to open up like this and I hope it's helped you even more in your healing process.
    P.S. People think I'm weird because I've never spent a night away from my children (now 5 and 3). It's a fear that if I'm not there, something horrible might happen to them.

  5. Thanks to each of you for taking the time to provide comforting words and share a bit of yourselves. I think this study may be just what I needed.
    I am always around if any of you need an ear or a shoulder.